Top Dollar News

MERRY CHRISTMAS, WALL STREET: HERE’S YOUR PAY CUT

Posted in Bankers, How much???, Top Dollar News by Jim McMillan on July 27, 2008

Wall Street bankers will have to tighten their belts this Christmas – or at least pull up those silly suspenders they all wear. A review of the latest statements from the Big Apple’s largest financial companies shows that pay and benefits are going to be slashed.

The money men are all right for now but they will get hit in the pocket when it comes to handing out the end of year bonuses, with a $10 billion slashing anticipated. In total, the city men will have received $18 billion less than they did the previous year.

The New York Times laments, “A decline in bonuses of that magnitude would easily eclipse the drop of 2001, the year of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, when total bonuses declined by $6.5 billion.” It’s all very sad, sniff, sniff. Mind you, they get paid too much anyway so no one else will really be complaining …except their wives.

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FBI reads Anne’s frank diary

Posted in Bankers, Top Dollar News, Twits by Jim McMillan on July 24, 2008

Anne and Follieri together in happier days

It’s bad enough when your mum goes through your diary but Devil Wears Prada beauty Anne Hathaway is apparently having hers perused by gun-toting FBI agents. The Feds confiscated the intimate diaries of the “Devil Wears Prada” star during another raid on her businessman boyfriend Raffaello Follieri’s $37,500-a-month Trump Tower pad, according to sources at the New York Daily News.

Hoping to strengthen their case against the flashy Italian, who has been charged with 11 counts of fraud and money laundering, agents are also said to have seized photos of Follieri with Bill and Hillary Clinton, Pope John Paul II, and John and Cindy McCain. Also confiscated were documents, watches, a Tiffany clock, an antique Bible and personal photos of Follieri and Hathaway.

Meanwhile, Anne has perhaps sensibly distanced herself from 30-year-old Follieri. “She’s changed her numbers so he can’t reach her,” says a friend. “Raffaello has been trying to call her all the time.”

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Bush to Wall Street: Sober up!

Posted in Bankers, Pot&Kettle, Top Dollar News, Twits by Jim McMillan on July 23, 2008

Have you noticed how reformed alcoholics are always telling the rest of us to sober up? One such is our own President George Bush who has just issued a startling order to the bankers of Wall Street.

In an unguarded moment at a Houston political fundraiser last Friday, the Daily News reveals Texan-raised Bush told his fellow Stetson wearers, “[Wall Street] got drunk and now it’s got a hangover. The question is, How long will it [take to] sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments?”

Bush hangs up his own instrument in six months when he’ll be returning from Washington to Texas, where they possibly understand him a little better.

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Banker bosses are jet-isoned

Posted in Bankers, How much???, Top Dollar News by Jim McMillan on July 22, 2008

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The fat cat managing directors at Merrill Lynch have been delivered a fat lip by their own bosses, who’ve ordered them to stop swanning around in private jets.

It’s part of a ‘tough’ new crackdown, which also involves ordering bankers to slum it in taxis, rather than gigantic stretch limos. Explains, the FT: “The restrictions on flying by private jet are also meant to demonstrate that the firm’s top brass must set an example to the rank and file in tightening belts.”

And even staff at Goldman Sachs are feeling the pinch, reveals New York Magazine. Drunken bankers who break their BlackBerrys will now have to pay for the repairs themselves.

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Damn, it feels good to be a banker!

Posted in Bankers, Top Dollar News by Jim McMillan on July 20, 2008

A funny new book will do much to fuel the public’s prejudices about Wall Street’s “wanker bankers.”

“Damn It Feels Good To Be A Banker” rejoices in chapters like, “No. We do not have any `hot stock tips’ for you,” “Mergers are a girl’s best friend,” and “Georgetown? I wouldn’t let my maids’ kids go there.”

Financial whizkid Amit Chatwani, who writes under the pseudonym “Leveraged Sell-Out,” explains: “I figured it was time that a real banker stepped up to educate the world on the important realities.”

He also derides some of the US’s top universities for the Wall Street wanabes they churn out.

The Top Dollar News team is reminded of Ram Jabaji‘s hilarious video…

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